Istanbul in Black and White

Confessions of an Indecisive Overthinker

      As Autumn fades to a whisper, I find myself looking back on the year with a smile. How fast time flies, how rapidly we transition from one stage to another. Seasons are again changing and so is everything around me. It was sometime around now, last year, when I was Googling upcoming star showers, making holiday plans, thinking about classes to enroll in for the next semester. I was listening to Laura Marling and Regina Spektor and Mumford Sons. Not much has changed. And yet.

     I find myself thinking more and more about what I'm going to do after I graduate. I'm only a sophomore in college, but I want to figure out what I am going to do before I'm a senior and reach crisis. Last year, I was so sure of what I wanted to do. I felt confident that nursing was for me, and didn't look back. After one semester of clinicals, though, I'm not so sure. My problem is that I have one foot in nursing and one in art/design. I want to take care of people and use nursing to serve God overseas, but I also love art and creating beauty. Here are the pros and cons I've been weighing:

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• I want to help people
• Nursing is a skill that I could use overseas
• There's something very fulfilling about healing
• Every time you see a patient you have the opportunity to bring hope
• I want to do something people-oriented
• I'll always have a job
• I'm already more than halfway through the program

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• I want to do something really different with my life
• I don't want to work in a hospital
• I don't feel like a "nursing person"
• I get so nervous when I think about classes next year
• I'm not sure if I'm passionate about it but maybe I just need to commit

       Why are choices so hard? Why can't God just hand me a blueprint of my life so I'll know exactly what I need to do? Am I just over-thinking things? I can honestly say that I don't know which way I'm being pulled more. I'm exactly in the middle of this tug-of-war. I have to trust that God has a plan and everything is coming together. I talked with my mom for a long time last week, and she advised me pray, talk to my advisor, schedule art classes next semester, and not make a decision in haste. I have a huge problem committing to things, and I wonder how much of this struggle is just me doubting myself and realizing that this is going to be hard work. If I could just know for sure that nursing is God's will for me, then I'll happily commit and not worry about it again. The most important thing for me right now is to examine motives. Why did I start nursing in the first place? Am I drawn to art because it's easier and more enjoyable and fits my image better?

My prayer is that as I work through this, God will make my heart into a compass that points to Him.

P.S. The next meteor shower is the night of November 16 (tonight), and will be fully visible.

Reminiscing Bodrum

Messing around on the piano. It's sorta my thing. I like to go to the practice rooms in the music building after classes sometimes and just play. Decompress. It's almost like I get to turn my brain off for a while, stop thinking and planning and analyzing. No sheet music, just let my fingers explore the ivory. Lately my problem has been that sometimes I come up with some decent stuff, but since it's by ear, I can't remember it the next time I sit at the piano. So. I've started recording improvisational developments on my laptop. Nothing fancy at all, I don't even edit or re-record. It's all raw and in-the-moment. 

 I've decided to try to "play through" the book of Psalms. Psalms was written to be sung, but I thought it would be cool to play them on the piano. Like, read a psalm a few times and meditate on it and then improvise an interpretation for it on the piano. I'll start with Psalm 1 later, but today I needed to read Psalm 62 and be reminded that God is my strength. Sometimes it takes reaching the end of my own strength and collapsing. Today was one of those days. I have nothing, am nothing, can do nothing apart from You. You are my Righteousness. You are my King. You are my Fortress. You are Faithful. You are good. You are love. You are true to Your word. You are Worthy. You are the Alpha and Omega. You are my Salvation. You are my Inheritance. You are Creator of all. You are in control. You are the Lord my God.