Tonight is a clinical night and I should be working on paperwork, but instead I write. My heart is so full of many things and I just need to slow down and breathe. On my iPhone I keep my notes app open so that I can jot down thoughts throughout the day. As I open it now, it looks something like this:
Thirsty heart // Off the beaten path // There's no such thing as ordinary //Seek His presence continually
And in capital letters, I AM SUSTAINED. The words that have been in my head for the last month. I am weak and fragile and seeing through a glass dimly, but I am sustained. My heart is alive because I am drawing from a source other than myself, relying on the Living Water, Christ the Solid Rock. And I am learning, following, often stumbling, but I am sustained. Life is happening so fast all around me and I'm fighting more than tiredness; I'm fighting for moments and simplicity amidst chaos and the glorification of busy. Every day, without realizing it, I make countless tiny decisions. Waking up thirty minutes early or sleeping in. Hurrying to class or stopping to smell the daffodils. Choosing thankfulness or choosing to pass these moments of grace by. I am learning to appreciate these days more fully.
"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer man is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal." - 2 Cor 4:16-18
The eternal weight of glory. Eternity. Weight. Glory. Unseen. Words to wonder at.
Four weeks of school left. Searching for the secrets these old walls hide. Stirring the dust.
Because life progresses in different colors and hues. Sometimes it is full of vibrant tone and energy, other times it feels like an earthy palette, like the sunshine on your skin as you wash the dishes by the windowsill. Days like these, it feels as though a week went by in black and white. Whispers and hushed tones and the thought that all these moments will one day be in a scrapbook like the one I found tucked away in a dusty attic.
As believers, we need to realize what message we convey to non-believers. And I'm not really talking about the dangers of having tattoos or the occasional drink of wine or which part of town we hang out in. I hear the words "guard your testimony" often regarding what Christians should and shouldn't do. Clearly, Scriptures teach us to be holy and refrain from sin or the appearances of sin. However, the phrase "guard your testimony" doesn't really make sense when I think about it. Guard? My testimony? The only testimony I have is what Jesus did. And I don't want to guard it, I want to proclaim it and live it and make it known.
Sadly, the times I've been told to "guard my testimony" really did involve tattoos and what part of town I hung out in. And who I talked to.
One question. Who did Jesus hang out with?
Who did he come to save?
The Son of God went to the misfits, the beggars, the children, the sick, the prostitutes, the tax collectors. People that Christian culture seems to keep at an arms length and use hand sanitizer after encountering.
If avoiding being seen with my friend who has more earrings than ear and a rough band tee shirt is "guarding my testimony", then something isn't right. What if I told you that they called me on the phone to tell me that they had hit rock bottom and wanted to talk about Jesus? That they had been accused and judged by the Church community they visited, and afterward explored Buddhism because they wanted to learn how to love and find joy?
Jesus wants us to love people, not push them away with self-righteousness and airs of religious superiority. And we can. With His grace, we can become the Body of Christ that is a beacon of light and draws people in and gives them something to wonder about. We can show them that there is hope in the shattered, broken pieces, and that the love and sacrifice of Christ will bring them life.
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