Be Still

After finals week ended, I spent a few days catching up with friends, catching my breath. I felt an urgency to find quiet and rest after a productive, busy, exciting, yet scattered and fragmented semester. It's amazing how the human soul is wired to need order and peace, to resolve disorder and discordance.

 "Be still, and know that I am God." Be still, even though your heart is fearful and the tension in your chest feels like it will explode. Find the stillness and you will find Me. Though you are pressed on every side and everyone around you sings the anthem of racing time and deadlines, be still. 

And in quiet, I feel peace. I know that it is all a vapor, this life. A vapor that lasts a minute, and then is gone. 

And yet. The brevity of time gives it meaning. I'm home with my family for just a few weeks, but we can carve out our own little eternity. We are given all the time that we need. And for this I am thankful. 

Smallness

 Lately I've been thinking about the brevity of time and suspension of countless stories of individuals throughout history. I love that we have stories, we are stories. I love that there are people all around us whose lives and legacies I will never know, both past and present. 

It gives a healthy feeling of smallness.

 I catch eyes with strangers in the store or stand with them in line or pass them in the halls, but don't know what lives they lead. Past faces and laughter that inhabited the same places were once very vibrant and real. I get this sense of interconnectedness with the people around me and the stories of the past. We're all humans with more things in common than not. 

I know that some of these stories would break my heart. 

People who are hurting and broken and needy, desperate for a way out but not believing it exists. 

So much heart pain and soul pain. 

Whatever I do with the rest of my life, I want it to involve serving people and helping them find a way. There is always a way, The Way. There is an answer to everything, even though we may never find the answer in this life. 

My desire is to inspire gifted and innovative thinkers to use their talents to improve the lives of the millions of suffering and underprivileged around the world. I believe that it would be a powerful thing if artists, designers, architects, musicians, engineers, etc. used their skills to contribute to finding solutions for global needs - serving the poor, combating poverty and hunger, bringing innovative and simple medical insights to the unreached villages. 

We have been blessed to bless others.

 I've been having lots of good conversations about the kingdom, calling, and channeling vision over coffee lately. I just love connecting with people and being authentic and raw with each other, sharing our hearts and seeing what God is doing in each other's lives. In the midst of life at its messiest and busiest, it is so important to stay focused on what matters for eternity.

"He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?" - Micah 6:8

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It's been raining outside for the last few days, and I've been feeling gloomy and out of sorts this morning. It really escalated when I spilled my coffee on my favorite blouse. So, back in my room with the blouse soaking, I've decided to write down frustrating things and weight them out with good things that have happened and that I'm thankful for. I saw this idea on another blog and thought it looked like a great idea!

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 I failed my math test because I ran out of time and didn't get to answer all the questions.
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 I went to my teacher's office and she explained a lot to me and I feel so much better. I'm retaking the test tomorrow.

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 I won't be able to take design tech I (or any art classes) next semester because my class schedule had some last minute changes.
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 I stopped by the creative services office (it's awesome) yesterday and I might be working there next semester!

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The person who was supposed to buy my old Macbook backed out at the last minute today.
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 I might be able to fix it for my sister.

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 I miss baking and don't have a kitchen in my dorm.
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A friend literally just stopped by right now and brought me fresh-baked cookies.

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I lost a lot of my music library when my computer broke, and hadn't backed up my hard drive.
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I've been enjoying lots of great music on Noisetrade, like Josh Garrels, the Sleeping at Last Christmas album, Beta Radio, This is the Giant, Astronaute, and Rivers and Robots.

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I probably won't be able to do an internship next summer because I'll be working as a camp counselor.
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I'm meeting with the head of the science department next week to talk about the possibility of being his research assistant!

Confessions of an Indecisive Overthinker

      As Autumn fades to a whisper, I find myself looking back on the year with a smile. How fast time flies, how rapidly we transition from one stage to another. Seasons are again changing and so is everything around me. It was sometime around now, last year, when I was Googling upcoming star showers, making holiday plans, thinking about classes to enroll in for the next semester. I was listening to Laura Marling and Regina Spektor and Mumford Sons. Not much has changed. And yet.

     I find myself thinking more and more about what I'm going to do after I graduate. I'm only a sophomore in college, but I want to figure out what I am going to do before I'm a senior and reach crisis. Last year, I was so sure of what I wanted to do. I felt confident that nursing was for me, and didn't look back. After one semester of clinicals, though, I'm not so sure. My problem is that I have one foot in nursing and one in art/design. I want to take care of people and use nursing to serve God overseas, but I also love art and creating beauty. Here are the pros and cons I've been weighing:

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• I want to help people
• Nursing is a skill that I could use overseas
• There's something very fulfilling about healing
• Every time you see a patient you have the opportunity to bring hope
• I want to do something people-oriented
• I'll always have a job
• I'm already more than halfway through the program

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• I want to do something really different with my life
• I don't want to work in a hospital
• I don't feel like a "nursing person"
• I get so nervous when I think about classes next year
• I'm not sure if I'm passionate about it but maybe I just need to commit

       Why are choices so hard? Why can't God just hand me a blueprint of my life so I'll know exactly what I need to do? Am I just over-thinking things? I can honestly say that I don't know which way I'm being pulled more. I'm exactly in the middle of this tug-of-war. I have to trust that God has a plan and everything is coming together. I talked with my mom for a long time last week, and she advised me pray, talk to my advisor, schedule art classes next semester, and not make a decision in haste. I have a huge problem committing to things, and I wonder how much of this struggle is just me doubting myself and realizing that this is going to be hard work. If I could just know for sure that nursing is God's will for me, then I'll happily commit and not worry about it again. The most important thing for me right now is to examine motives. Why did I start nursing in the first place? Am I drawn to art because it's easier and more enjoyable and fits my image better?

My prayer is that as I work through this, God will make my heart into a compass that points to Him.

P.S. The next meteor shower is the night of November 16 (tonight), and will be fully visible.

Dear summer,

I guess this is goodbye.  Three suitcases, a plastic container and a collection of Trader Joe's bags later, I'm organized enough to say that I'm packed. I left my map and some art on my bedroom walls. I told my sister that I was leaving them because I didn't have room to take them, but the truth is that I don't want to completely erase myself from the room, the house. Moving out seems so serious and final. Somehow I continue to be amazed at how fast time goes by and feel change acutely. I'll be honest, I'm going to miss my family more than I did last year. It's probably because I've gotten a lot closer to them, and that's a good thing, but I don't want to leave them. This semester is coming with so many changes - two jobs, nursing clinical rotations, community service council, new roommates, new friends. I kept my teacher's assistant job and also took a shift as a lab assistant for the experience and future opportunities. 
There seems to be an enormous question waiting to be answered in my mind. I'm not sure what it is but it sounds something like "will the person I became this summer remain as school starts again?" I think the answer is yes and no. By "the person I became" I mean the changes - good and bad - that have occurred over the last few months. I have learned so much about grace and joy and how to live each day with purpose, and I really hope the load of classes and work and duties doesn't minimize that. God promises that I can do all things through His strength, and He will never leave me on my own. So yes, the changes He has been working in me are here to stay. On the other hand, we are constantly becoming different people and growing through experiences, so I am already a different person than I was an hour ago. Change is a friend. 
All things considered, I'm thrilled to be starting a new school year and continuing this journey. [Insert tacky quote about life here.] Let's double-check that packing list:

- Macbook 
- cookies for my roomies
- cardigan
- books I won't have time to read
- favorite mug
- tennis racquets

I think I'm good to go. And so are you.

Later,
Christy